Where is my denim fairy?

For years I have been searching for the perfect pair of jeans.

I've decided they are way harder to find than a husband (which, lets face it, is no small feat in this day and age) since I managed to snag Micah before I was 25, and have yet to find the perfect pair of jeans after about 14 years of searching. I have to admit, I'm a little fatigued.

And yet, I persevere. Somewhere out there is a pair with my name on it that has denim in the perfect dark wash, with flattering pocket placement, plenty of length in the legs but not so much that they drag and get frayed, just enough stretch to keep the behind from sagging, and a waist that does not create one of two fatal problems: a muffin top or, ahem, "buttock cleavage". (And if they happen to be mislabeled therefore leading me to believe I am a size smaller than I really am, even better, I would believe it).

Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, unless you want to pay well over $100 for jeans that are constructed to fit every lumpy, bumpy curve or lack thereof.

I have discussed this issue at length with my sister Nicole. Mostly she just nods her head sympathetically as though she too is dealing with the post-baby bulge. She believes part of the problem is that my jeans stretch out when I wear them, so maybe I should buy them a little snugger. I kind of have a thing against tight jeans, I want them to be comfortable. But it's true, if they start out comfortable, they usually end up saggy in the rear.

But why should I have to feel like a stuffed sausage for the first two hours that I wear them, in order for them to relax and fit well for the rest of the day? Does anyone else have this problem??

A couple of weeks ago I thought my day had come. I was at Ross to get hairbands. (I know, that sounds like an excuse, but whatever. I really do like their hairbands, they are the thicker kind that come in an array of colors and are half the price of anywhere else.) So anyway, since I was there I perused the jeans without any expectation.

And then I found this pair from Paper Denim & Cloth for $19.99 (retail $175). I couldn't help but think, maybe these are The Ones I've heard about. You know, the really expensive kind with the perfect pockets to make butts (even flat ones) look cute. Except that they weren't expensive, they were a steal. It was too good to be true! I tried them on and almost didn't even notice or care that Skylar crawled under the dressing room door and ran away. I was having a moment.

It was miraculous. No gross fat roll bulging over the top! The rear end was just right. Granted, they were a good 3 inches too long because apparently people my size are supposed to be 6 feet tall, but I could get them tailored or wear them with heels. (Yeah right, I could roll them up.)

I took them home and decided I would put them on and wear them until the rotted off my body. Unfortunately, by the end of the day they had loosened just enough to reveal their fatal flaw: alas they were a lower rise than I realized. Low rise=crackage. You know what I mean, and it isn't pretty.

And so they are relegated to the pile of jeans that can only be worn with long shirts. And the search continues.